Sunday, August 25, 2013

Sometimes you need a good cry. Then a breakdown....

Then a Klonopin.  And a loving husband to pick you up and support you through the mess.  That's why I married this man....

Some people never fail to let you down. Or that's how I feel at times.  Too many times. Some people hurt you and make you feel less than what you truly are. Some people make you cry.  Some people you'd think wouldn't or shouldn't but they do.  But this one doesn't.  Sure we have our ups and downs.  But, he's constant.  He's a rock.  And he probably doesn't know how very much I appreciate him, love him, cherish him and need him!

It's been a rough week.  It's been a very rough 4 years. And I feel like a shell of my former self almost every day. A lot of the time I don't recognize myself in the mirror.  I don't recognize the face staring back at me.  I do what I can each day, but it's hard at times.  There is so much in my head everyday and making sense of it all is hard and frustrating, to say the least.  I want to share my story, but I need to feel it's the right time.  It's long, arduous and it's painful.  So the time has to be right.

It's been a rough four years, but this one above has never faltered or left me for one minute.  God knew what I needed when he put him in my life.  And I'm thankful, grateful and humbled by that.

Friday and Saturday although sunny, bright and warm outside, this is what my day looked like:

But, the one above and that I love brought me through.  Or at least to a place where I could start again.  And dry my tears.  So that picture and day above I know became more like this: 

My life isn't easy.  My life isn't perfect.  My life is complicated and a mess.  I never promised anyone that it was perfect and happy all of the time.  I wasn't promised that.  God puts us to the test.  And he doesn't give us anything that we can't handle.  I have to keep telling myself that daily.  I've been telling myself that ad nauseum for 4 LONG years.  But he does put us through the fire.  He does test us.  He builds our resolve to make us better and I guess appreciate life and the little things more.  I'm still trying desperately to figure it all out.  

When I can't figure it all out (which right now is always), I see a therapist. She's the best. Her name is Jennifer.  Fitting. Because the other Jennifer I would talk to is gone.  And sadly, I have a better relationship with my therapist than most others around me, except for Frank.  Again he's the exception.  The extent of my "friendships" in this Podunk town (I feel we're forced at times to live in) are at school functions for the little man.  They extend not much further than that. Except for Frank.  He's the exception to that rule.  He's my best friend. A lot of the time, my only friend. And I guess if that's how it is....then I couldn't ask for a better one to be my friend, my best friend, my companion, my comforter, my strength, my lover, and my all the rest of my life.  But I forget too often that I also have a friend in Jesus.  

What a friend we have in Jesus, 
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry 
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, 
O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry 
everything to God in prayer. 

Have we trials and temptations? 
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; 
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful 
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; 
take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, 
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, 
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? 
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield you; 
you will find a solace there.

Yesterday, however, I forgot to pray.  I forgot to take it to the Lord in prayer. I forgot about Jesus.  I forget that more often than I should.  Sometimes it does feel like he's left me, I'm not going to lie.  But then I do look back at the times when I couldn't make it another day or minute and like the poem I look back and see one set of footprints and then I know he was there. He, like my husband, was carrying me. I think of this scripture often, too.  

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: 
He leadeth me beside the still waters. 
He restoreth my soul: 
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; 
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: 
Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: 
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
~ Psalm 23

So Friday and Saturday sucked. A lot.  We ended on a good note by watching a movie and having popcorn with the little man last night.  It was good.   I'm still trying to process some things and make sense of others.  That is what I do.  More than I'd like to at times.  So, this is my life.  For better or worse.  I never promised it would be all sunshine and rainbows here on this blog.  I never promised it because that's not my life.  My life is sometimes sunshine and sometimes rain.  Sometimes there's a rainbow.  Sometimes it's just calm after the rain.  Until another storm hits.  Again, that's my life. For better or worse.  This weekend I've see more of the rain than the sun (despite what it looks like outside).  But today is a new day. And if I find I am unable to make it through....I know two constant sources of strength in my life who will carry me. 

This song has been in my head and on my heart this week.  I now know why.  It's not just Frank who will be here for me.  It's the One who gave him to me who will and is also here for me.  It's fitting for this season in my/our life.  

I Will Be Here ~ Steven Curtis Chapman

Here's to a new day.  Here's to a better tomorrow.  Here's to the two loves of my life.  And a thanks for always being there. 


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